Snow White and the Huntsman

Rating: Maybe catch it on TV some day.                                                                                       

When I think back to Snow White and the Huntsman two words come to mind.  Pretty and boring.  The visuals were unlike anything I have seen before; and I mean that in a good way.  It was visually as unique as the first time I watched 300.  Unfortunately, even the breathtaking visuals couldn’t save this movie.  I can recall two points in the theater when I was actually entertained.  One included a poop joke from a dwarf, the other included the kid a few rows in front of me doing everything in his power to get the last drop out of his ICEE.  The people who somehow found this movie interesting were annoyed by him, and this was more entertaining for me than what was happening on screen.

The person who deserves the biggest award for this movie is the person who created the trailer.  The trailer looked sweet.  Unfortunately, everything that looked cool was in the preview.  Even still, the movie was very pretty to look at.  The creatures of the Dark Forest were truly creepy, and the non creepy creatures later on in the movie were fascinating and beautiful.  The few action scenes were slow and clunky but keeping with the rest of the two hours and ten minutes looked really cool.  From the first scene the movie gave interesting visuals.  An army was being literally shattered with sword blows and it looked pretty awesome.  Later on in another battle scene creatures made out of what appeared to be metal shards attacked the huntsman and again it looked really cool.  The sound editing here was also really well done with metal scraping and other menacing sounds mixed in.  The movie looked GREAT…ok I think I beat that into the ground enough and won’t say it again.

Unfortunately, despite the beautiful visuals (ok one more time), the movie felt like it was never going to end.  The story was slow torture.  Nothing happened, ever.  Well, a few things happened, but nothing entertaining.  The evil queen (Charlize Theron) has great powers but continues to age and weaken unless she can literally suck the life out of youthful people.  Her mirror then tells her that if she can steal Snow White’s (Kristen Stewart’s) heart, she can live forever without stealing other’s youth.  Fortunately for Snow White she just broke out of the Queen’s dungeon but is lost in the Dark Woods.  The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) is then sent in to kill her, but instead sides with her and they rise up to fight the Queen.  Then they try and rally people to fight the Queen, or something, I don’t know I was so bored I had a hard time paying attention.  Then they keep rallying and rallying and nothing happens.  They do meet the Dwarves who are boring and forgettable.  I literally didn’t care about any of the characters.  In summary…it was BORING.

The cinematographers deserve several awards, the actors, well…do not.  Kristen Stewart was fine as Snow White but that’s because she had nothing to screw up.  She had maybe ten lines throughout the entire two hours, and one encouraging speech.  Chris Hemsworth was also fine as the Huntsman but again didn’t have much to screw up.  Then there was Charlize Theron.  I keep hearing everyone say she was the best part of the movie, and was brilliant, and will probably get an Oscar nom.  I completely disagree.  Instead of being an evil queen she seemed more like a whiney brat who was given some cool power.  She overacted the whole thing.  I think Theron is better suited for light hearted characters such as Mr. F.  The seven dwarves were very forgettable.  I didn’t care about any of them, and for some reason they used film trickery to make average people look small rather than hire little people to play the parts.  Are you telling me there really aren’t seven talented little people looking for work in Hollywood?

To sum up, the movie looked great (last time I swear!), but was incredibly slow and boring.  I can’t recommend it because I just wanted it to finish the whole time it was on.  If you see it on TV in a year or so watch it just to see how cool it looked at parts.  Otherwise skip it.

-Gish

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